Sometimes, no matter how much you try to fight it, you just wake up feeling defeated. Feeling as if there is no point to doing anything and all you want to do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. God knows for the past year and a half that's all I've really done. I've put on a brave face and did my best to act like nothing was wrong, but it has been hard and I've failed more than I've succeeded.
It's taken me a long time to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. That sometimes you just lose. That sometimes life just becomes too much. But at the same time, you can't let it consume you. You can't give in to the thoughts raging in your head and in your soul. Today was one such day for me. I woke up defeated. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, but that wouldn't serve me. It would undo everything I'm trying to accomplish and future Jonathan would be left holding the bag. So, as hard as it was, I got up today and started to get things done. Maybe I won't be as productive today as I normally would have, but something is better than nothing and I need to stop counting the whole day as a failure if I miss one little checkmark. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until I have what I want. Peace of mind. Over the lockdown, I let everything fall to the sideline including Blueroof Productions. I used to have respectable numbers on here, now on a good day I have 5 people pop on here. But it's okay, it's my own fault. I just have to come back from the brink. Rebuild everything and start over. I can do it. I believe in myself. It's time to get to work!
Since I've started my journey as a filmmaker, the one thing I would always stress, is that I wasn't a photographer. It's not what I was good at, and honestly I just had no interest in it. But then something happened. I was hired to film something and they wanted me to take pictures at the same time. I was nervous as hell, because again, I'm not a photographer. That's not my wheelhouse, I know nothing about. Except, it turns out I did. Years of framing shots, helped me frame pictures. Who knew?
Now it's one of my favorite pastimes. It's so much fun to set up a shot and take it, capturing the moment forever in time. Toy photography is even better, you get to recreate or create, a scene using some of your favorite characters. It's a chance to play director in a way you would never get the chance in real life without millions of dollars at your disposal. It helps relax me, helps me find a way to creativity that doesn't stress me out. It's just something fun that I can do for myself. I don't know if it'll do the same thing for you, but it was something that I never tried before. If you are feeling trapped, at a dead end, try something new. Look for a new way to express yourself, you never know what you will find! Why is it, that no matter how down and out I feel, the smell of new comics always brings me back. Visiting the X-Men, swinging with Spider-Man, exploring with the Fantastic Four, it all just gives me a breath of life that sadly, the real world seems to lack more and more.
The truth is, when I was a kid, I would always go running around and causing trouble with my friends. It was a world of fun! But now as an adult, I don't that stuff anymore. Maybe that's part of the emptiness inside of me. A part of me that brought me so much joy, is now gone. That's the curse of growing up. One that we all must deal with, I think the trick is to just find a way to keep some part of our childhood intact. So how do we go about that? Hell if I know, but we have to try. We have to keep looking for new ways to find our youth. Find out joy. Because the truth is, happiness doesn't come from without, it comes from within. We just need to look inside ourselves, and find some sense of joy, of excitement and hold on to, no matter what the rest of the world tells us, and believe me, the rest of the world will try and take away any joy you may find. You just can't let them! |
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