What's that? Did I just make and put out a new Jon's Corner for the first time in like forever? Yes, yes I did that! What's that? You can't believe it? Me neither!!!
I'm sorry, I'm just excited to get back to being myself. To creating art, even if it's just me talking about someone else art. It's all about creating things, expressing myself. Something that I haven't done for so long. It's almost as if I'm starting to come alive again. Starting to feel normal again. The weight that hangs over my head at all times, is lightening. Is starting to vanish from my world and the Jonathan of old is starting to come back out from the darkness. Does this mean I'm cured? Of course not. Life is never that simple, but it's a start. If I can find myself today, and again tomorrow, and the day after that, maybe, just maybe, I can leave the doom and gloom behind. Maybe I can be the Jonathan of old once more. Here's hoping!
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Sometimes, no matter how much you try to fight it, you just wake up feeling defeated. Feeling as if there is no point to doing anything and all you want to do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. God knows for the past year and a half that's all I've really done. I've put on a brave face and did my best to act like nothing was wrong, but it has been hard and I've failed more than I've succeeded.
It's taken me a long time to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. That sometimes you just lose. That sometimes life just becomes too much. But at the same time, you can't let it consume you. You can't give in to the thoughts raging in your head and in your soul. Today was one such day for me. I woke up defeated. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, but that wouldn't serve me. It would undo everything I'm trying to accomplish and future Jonathan would be left holding the bag. So, as hard as it was, I got up today and started to get things done. Maybe I won't be as productive today as I normally would have, but something is better than nothing and I need to stop counting the whole day as a failure if I miss one little checkmark. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until I have what I want. Peace of mind. Over the lockdown, I let everything fall to the sideline including Blueroof Productions. I used to have respectable numbers on here, now on a good day I have 5 people pop on here. But it's okay, it's my own fault. I just have to come back from the brink. Rebuild everything and start over. I can do it. I believe in myself. It's time to get to work!
It seems like more and more people are drifting apart. Being pulled into different spheres of belief. How do we come back to a sense of reality when people can't even agree on what they see in front of their faces?
To make matters worse, all we hear is people talking shit about anyone who thinks differently than them. Dehumanizing people with different views, because we have lost the ability to have discussions. You either agree with me or you are an idiot who deserves nothing but contempt. We are truly, deeply broken as a society. We need to get back to being able to talk to one another, to listen. We need to learn that our ideas are not always correct, and that sometimes it's okay to change our minds. To get new information and have that information alter the way we see the world. That isn't weakness, that is strength. It's literally the point of science. To take in new information and learn from it, to grow. Once we stop accepting the fact that we don't know everything, that we are still learning, no matter how old or successful we have become, we've stopped living. I have hope that this is just a moment in time, just a crazy, fucked up moment in time, and we will find our way back to a civil discourse that isn't blogged down in propaganda and hate. That we can accept that no one has all the answers, that we have to come together in order to fix our society and help one another. We have people living in the streets, starving, suffering from illnesses that can be cured and we do nothing. We sit back and shake our heads and talk about how sad it is, all the while letting it go on. Never once holding the people in power accountable for the devastation going on all around us. It's shameful. And we are all to blame, but we can do better. We can listen, we can reach out and help those who are in need. We can put more focus on helping people and less on judging people. More focus on others and less on ourselves. We need to be more caring, more accepting. We need to be better. Since I've started my journey as a filmmaker, the one thing I would always stress, is that I wasn't a photographer. It's not what I was good at, and honestly I just had no interest in it. But then something happened. I was hired to film something and they wanted me to take pictures at the same time. I was nervous as hell, because again, I'm not a photographer. That's not my wheelhouse, I know nothing about. Except, it turns out I did. Years of framing shots, helped me frame pictures. Who knew?
Now it's one of my favorite pastimes. It's so much fun to set up a shot and take it, capturing the moment forever in time. Toy photography is even better, you get to recreate or create, a scene using some of your favorite characters. It's a chance to play director in a way you would never get the chance in real life without millions of dollars at your disposal. It helps relax me, helps me find a way to creativity that doesn't stress me out. It's just something fun that I can do for myself. I don't know if it'll do the same thing for you, but it was something that I never tried before. If you are feeling trapped, at a dead end, try something new. Look for a new way to express yourself, you never know what you will find! Why is it, that no matter how down and out I feel, the smell of new comics always brings me back. Visiting the X-Men, swinging with Spider-Man, exploring with the Fantastic Four, it all just gives me a breath of life that sadly, the real world seems to lack more and more.
The truth is, when I was a kid, I would always go running around and causing trouble with my friends. It was a world of fun! But now as an adult, I don't that stuff anymore. Maybe that's part of the emptiness inside of me. A part of me that brought me so much joy, is now gone. That's the curse of growing up. One that we all must deal with, I think the trick is to just find a way to keep some part of our childhood intact. So how do we go about that? Hell if I know, but we have to try. We have to keep looking for new ways to find our youth. Find out joy. Because the truth is, happiness doesn't come from without, it comes from within. We just need to look inside ourselves, and find some sense of joy, of excitement and hold on to, no matter what the rest of the world tells us, and believe me, the rest of the world will try and take away any joy you may find. You just can't let them! It's been a while! Life has been crazy this past year and change. Lost some friends, not death, but finally letting go of relationships that do more harm than good. Got involved in more paid work, doing shows and documentaries and jobs that I never really thought I would be involved in. It was fun, but really wasn't where my heart was. I found that I really missed making skits with my friends. Coming up with ideas, shooting them, playing with them in editing. It's a simple joy that I missed.
So, I'm going to start moving back in that direction. Me and Ashley actually just finished filming and editing a skit about the whole crazy pokemon card stuff going on, and it was a lot of. Just to be acting again, and also, honestly, not to have to answer to anyone. If I'm being honest, it was a lot harder than it used to be. Mostly because I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression lately. It's not easy to get motivated, even for things I love, like writing, filming, reading, hanging out with friends. But I'm working on it. Little steps, just taking life one day at a time as I try to find my way back to myself. It's a journey, one I hope you join me on! I grew up a big fan of stand up comedy, yet I never once thought of going to a show. It just wasn't something in my world, but that all changed a few years ago. A few friends of mine invited me out to one in Dallas, and it was a hell of a show. Full of funny talented people, one of which was an honest to god cowboy. The man was funny and left an impression with his set. He stood out, clearly younger than most of the other people up there, we would find out later just how young, and yet he commanded the room. He had a presence. Watching him on stage you could see how alive he was up there. He seemed to be having such a genuine good time up there, that you couldn't help but have one along with him. After the show ended, my friends and I wanted to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant next door, but we couldn't leave without joining in with the others congratulating the comedians. They were all very polite and friendly, but only one really engaged with us in conversation. So much so, that after we finished talking in front of the venue, he joined us at the restaurant. We all ordered drinks, but our new friend got a Dr. Pepper, because he wasn't yet old enough to drink. We were blown away by how young he was. You would never have known. That night was so much fun. Just talking and joking around with a guy we had just seen on stage moments before, yet after talking to him, even for a little, you felt like you had known him for years. When the night came to an end, we all exchanged information and promised to keep in touch. The same empty platitudes we all give when meeting someone new. Nothing ever comes from it. You never hear from them again. Cowboy Kasey was different. He actually kept in touch. Even inviting us out to another show. Which was just as great as the first one. He was so great on stage, had such a presence that the last time me and my friends entered a film race, we reached out to him to act in it. He was the only actor who showed up for every preproduction meeting. Every one. Always offering ideas and elevating our spirits when we hit walls. The rest of us have known each other for years, we were all very close and yet Kasey fit in perfectly. Never missed a beat. Due to scheduling, he was only in the first scene. Only acting with us for a couple hours on a single night, yet there was not a person on that set he didn't impact. The other actors still ask about him. Talk about his sense of humor, his laugh, the way he always seemed just so excited about everything. He was truly a personality in all the best ways. I am beyond thankful that I went to that show that night. That I got a chance to know, even briefly, someone as sweet and creative as Kasey "Cowboy KC" Lewis. Rest in Peace I can't seem to understand the emptiness that I feel inside. I keep feeling that if only I could understand the cause, than I could cure it, yet anytime I start to close in on the source, I realize that it's nothing more than a symptom. The hollowness inside me is so much deep and all consuming than I could ever hope to understand, yet I press onward. To do otherwise would court defeat. I do not like to lose. Giving up does nothing for me, in fact, it only makes this feeling worse and that is the last thing I need.
So what do I need? If I knew that, I would no longer feel this way. I would once again be myself. I long to once again be myself. The only hope I have, is that as covid starts to fade and I start to reenter the world, some of the old me may return as well. I've started going back to different sets, working on different projects. None of them narratives, which is what I love more than life itself, but it's still good to be back behind the camera. Back in the world of creating. I need to return to creating content for Blueroof Productions. I am wasting this gift that is life, waiting for a feeling of normalcy that may never come. I can no longer afford to wait. I can no longer sit on my hands and let this feeling of defeat control me. I have to force myself into action, force myself to once again feel human. To once again bring my art to life and enjoy the world. Otherwise, what is the point of being alive? I will find the old Jonathan, and bring him back to this world. I will find the old me and once more enjoy the day to day journey that I am on. I will no longer sit and feel sorry for myself. I will no longer let the pit in my soul control me. I will conquer this sense of doom and provide the hope that I am missing. I'm going to take it one day at a time, one task at a time. I will be better. I will force my dreams into reality and live the life I have always dreamed of. Reality be damned. What is it about the nature of man that we hold on so tightly to that which is familiar? What is that causes us to fear change, when change is the only thing consistent in this world? You would think, that after a lifetime of change, you would grow used to it. You would learn to embrace it like a long lost loved one. Yet we run from it as if our lives depend on it.
In fact, the older we get, therefor the more change we have experience, the more we fear it. The more hide from it. I can't help but ponder at this human trait that seems almost to go against survival instincts. For the ability to adapt is critical to survive. If that is so, than again, I ask, why do we fear it so? If it is not from inside us, where does this fear come from? How do we fight against it? How do we learn to embrace change? Instead I sit here, on the edge of a massive change in my life, with a feeling of dread that I can not shake. No matter how hard I try to accept it, I can't help but feel lost. As if there is a void that I can never hope to fill. I know that once I get to the other side, everything will be fine. Life will go on in the same way it always has. That one change will not alter the fabric of my reality even if it does change the direction, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. That doesn't take away the feeling of dread that hangs in the air. I know change is important and I should embrace it, but I'm human and that is not our way. |
AuthorJonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun. Archives
August 2022
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