It’s a new year, a time to reflect on the past. A time to plan for the future. To take stock in what you have, what you want and how to go about moving from the one to the other. A time to make amends with those you have fallen out with and to let go of the people who are causing you pain.
I started mine early. Just before October. I had a whole year planned for getting my videos noticed, with no distractions. And then I met a girl. Just like every other time in my life, a relationship derailed everything I was working for, just in time for the new year to start.
My relationships follow a pattern, they burn hot and fade away just as quickly. Something that for once I am thankful for. I was going off track, losing myself in a relationship with a person who refused to see me for who I am. It’s not her fault. I always throw myself into making my partner feel like the center of the world, only to lose myself in the process. This time was no different. My needs were ignored. The trauma that I have carried with me for the past nine years treated like a minor inconvenience.
I tried to explain again and again who I was, but the answers were never good enough. And every time I would explain it, I was demonized. Made to feel like I crossed a line every time I didn’t just tell her what she wanted to hear. It was exhausting and painful. And for the first time in my life, I see that I didn’t deserve that.
I always tell my friends that a relationship is supposed to be a partnership. That it needs to work for both parties. When I’m dating. I’m one of those parties. My needs deserve to be met. I’m not evil for telling my partner what I need to be happy.
This new year I’m going to focus on me. On what I need. With one change. For the first time in almost a decade, I think I’m ready to date. To put myself out there and allow myself to be vulnerable. This was the first relationship in my life where I tried to set boundaries and it crashed and burned, but it was the right thing to do. Both parties should have boundaries and have no guilt in expecting those boundaries to be respected.
The new year started with something that felt horrible, but might have been the best thing to happen to me. It helped heal me from a trauma that has consumed my life. I only hope that she got something out of it as well. I hope that her next partner can give her what she is looking for. I hope someday, even if we never speak again, that we can find forgiveness for one another in our hearts.
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.