So I was hanging out with Ashley, recording Clean Jeans and we decided to watch 11.22.63, which if you remember I spent a day on set an extra not that long ago. I made a joke about watch I'm on this episode and it turns out I was right. Now I was just a blurry mess, that you could hardly see but it was still beyond exciting. I couldn't believe that even as nothing more than a blurry guy in the background for like 15 seconds, I still made it. It made my day.
As little an accomplishment as that was, it still made me so excited. I couldn't believe I was on there. It cheered me up and made me feel like maybe I was on the right path for once. Like maybe I'm doing things right and I'm not as far from my goals as I've been thinking I am lately.
It was a recharge that I didn't even know I needed but I guess I really did. It feels like maybe that was the start of turning this year around. Let's hope it starts a new more positive start for me. These last couple of years have been hard and it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed anymore, but I force myself too. The way I see it, is just because I'm down in the dumps right now doesn't mean I will be for long. And when I come out of this I don't want to look back at all the time wasted being sad.
I'm not saying it is easy but I feel it's something worth it. Every day I work hard to over come my despair and go out and create because truth be told it is the only thing that makes me happy. Writing, being on set, editing. All this stuff I love but slowly I feel like it has been taken away from me. Either by exes who told me that I have nothing to say as a writer or by school that tells me time and again that story doesn't matter. A million technical stuff is far more important. Or by my classmates who when talking have the same wants as me but when it comes to putting in the work they can't be bothered. All of it is has stripped me of wanting to do anything, because what is the point?
On top of that all the bullshit that comes with school. Homework that doesn't do anything for me. It's just busy work that teachers give to feel like they are teaching. What am I learning from researching dead actors? OK, to be truthful I research writers, directors, actors all the time. But ones that I like. Ones that speak to me. I'm starting to think that school is not for me. It doesn't help me, it just gets in the way of me doing the things that I want to do. Things that I need to get done.
The video club is no help. Last semester when I became president I was happy. I wanted to turn the club into something great, something that I could be proud of. Something that could help other filmmakers like myself. No one cared. The more I tried to get the club to do things, tried to get the club to take part in people's learning the less people showed up. Some how people cared more about coming to a meeting and talking about making money for the club than trying to create something that we could be proud of. They didn't want to do any real work. It crushed my spirit. It really did. Now the video club is nothing but fundraisers and it depresses me. It had so much potential and this is what it becomes?
They expect me to do so much for the club and the truth of the matter is I just don't want to. Where were they when I asked them to help me turn the club into something? They ran and hid. Not a one of them did what they said they would. Not a one of them helped out and now they expect me to? Now when I say to hell with it they expect me to spend my time helping them turn the club back into a soulless excuse of a club where all we do is talk about the teachers talking point. How is this the students club if it's just about the teachers and program? Oh, because the students don't care. They want everything handed to them and don't want to work for it.
Nothing in life comes without hard work. If you want to do anything you have to bleed for it. You have to knock yourself out to make it happen. You have to bleed for your art, to suffer. To move Heaven and Earth to get where you want to go otherwise you never will. That's the truth. That's something I had to learn the hard way and I'm done pretending to care about playing by the rules. Seeing myself on the show gave me a taste of what I want to do with my life. iiSuperwomanii's doc gave me the motivation to get off my ass and work.
I went back to North Lake so that I could meet people who would help me get closer to my dreams. People who could help me become the filmmaker that I know I can be and the truth is I have met them. Larry Stanley and Davis Trent have taught me so much. They have been a great help in my journey. Lawrence Patterson, DeVaughn White and Mickendra Barrett have helped me bring my own visions to life. These people have made the last few years worth it because otherwise it would have all been a waste.
Moving forward the only homework I'm going to do is my shorts, other than that I don't care. As far as the club goes, I'll do as much as everyone else. I'm not breaking my back to help a program that doesn't want to be helped. I just won't.
My focus, my time and energy is going to be put into Blueroof Productions 120%, something that I should have done a long time ago. Because that is what I care about. That is where my heart is and that is where my future is. School, dating, all the other bullshit that gets in the way of my goals are being put behind me because they are what have caused these last two years to be so bad. They are what have been killing my spirit, killing my soul. And I'm done being a victim when I don't have to be. I'm done working inside their box when I can create my own world and live in that. Life is too short to fall victim to a system that is designed to keep us in our places.
Do what makes you happy and forget the rest. It may sound selfish but I don't think it is. Once you found happiness in yourself you can help others find happiness. Look at iiSuperwomanii, she found something that makes her happy and now she goes out of her way to help others be happy as well. That is how we should all be.
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.