I grew up a big fan of stand up comedy, yet I never once thought of going to a show. It just wasn't something in my world, but that all changed a few years ago. A few friends of mine invited me out to one in Dallas, and it was a hell of a show. Full of funny talented people, one of which was an honest to god cowboy. The man was funny and left an impression with his set. He stood out, clearly younger than most of the other people up there, we would find out later just how young, and yet he commanded the room. He had a presence. Watching him on stage you could see how alive he was up there. He seemed to be having such a genuine good time up there, that you couldn't help but have one along with him. 

After the show ended, my friends and I wanted to grab a bite to eat at the restaurant next door, but we couldn't leave without joining in with the others congratulating the comedians. They were all very polite and friendly, but only one really engaged with us in conversation. So much so, that after we finished talking in front of the venue, he joined us at the restaurant. We all ordered drinks, but our new friend got a Dr. Pepper, because he wasn't yet old enough to drink. We were blown away by how young he was. You would never have known. 

That night was so much fun. Just talking and joking around with a guy we had just seen on stage moments before, yet after talking to him, even for a little, you felt like you had known him for years. When the night came to an end, we all exchanged information and promised to keep in touch. The same empty platitudes we all give when meeting someone new. Nothing ever comes from it. You never hear from them again. Cowboy Kasey was different. He actually kept in touch. Even inviting us out to another show. Which was just as great as the first one. He was so great on stage, had such a presence that the last time me and my friends entered a film race, we reached out to him to act in it. 

He was the only actor who showed up for every preproduction meeting. Every one. Always offering ideas and elevating our spirits when we hit walls. The rest of us have known each other for years, we were all very close and yet Kasey fit in perfectly. Never missed a beat. Due to scheduling, he was only in the first scene. Only acting with us for a couple hours on a single night, yet there was not a person on that set he didn't impact. The other actors still ask about him. Talk about his sense of humor, his laugh, the way he always seemed just so excited about everything. He was truly a personality in all the best ways. I am beyond thankful that I went to that show that night. That I got a chance to know, even briefly, someone as sweet and creative as Kasey "Cowboy KC" Lewis.

Rest in Peace

I can't seem to understand the emptiness that I feel inside. I keep feeling that if only I could understand the cause, than I could cure it, yet anytime I start to close in on the source, I realize that it's nothing more than a symptom. The hollowness inside me is so much deep and all consuming than I could ever hope to understand, yet I press onward. To do otherwise would court defeat. I do not like to lose. Giving up does nothing for me, in fact, it only makes this feeling worse and that is the last thing I need. 

So what do I need? If I knew that, I would no longer feel this way. I would once again be myself. I long to once again be myself. The only hope I have, is that as covid starts to fade and I start to reenter the world, some of the old me may return as well. I've started going back to different sets, working on different projects. None of them narratives, which is what I love more than life itself, but it's still good to be back behind the camera. Back in the world of creating. I need to return to creating content for Blueroof Productions. I am wasting this gift that is life, waiting for a feeling of normalcy that may never come.  

I can no longer afford to wait. I can no longer sit on my hands and let this feeling of defeat control me. I have to force myself into action, force myself to once again feel human. To once again bring my art to life and enjoy the world. Otherwise, what is the point of being alive? 

I will find the old Jonathan, and bring him back to this world. I will find the old me and once more enjoy the day to day journey that I am on. I will no longer sit and feel sorry for myself. I will no longer let the pit in my soul control me. I will conquer this sense of doom and provide the hope that I am missing. 

I'm going to take it one day at a time, one task at a time. I will be better. I will force my dreams into reality and live the life I have always dreamed of. Reality be damned.