Panic. A feeling that seeks to overwhelm me day in and day out. No matter what I do it comes for me. Distractions are meaningless. They do nothing to move me away from this despair. Nothing seems to help. It is truly a living nightmare. How do I escape this shadowy phantom that haunts my every waking moment. The phantom that has dragged me down and left me hallowed out. That turned my 4 hours of sleep into 9 or 10? Will I ever be free.
God I hope so. I have dreams that I need to fulfill. I have goals that I have yet to meet. My tasks are not yet done. Many have yet to even start. I need to grit my teeth and pull myself out of this hole. No matter how hard it is, for that is what life is all about. Fighting against everything that stands in your way and making the life that you want out of sheer force of will.
Or at least that is what I tell myself. Am I right? Am I wrong? Who the hell knows, only time will tell.
This time in isolation has not been kind to me. It's not the first time I've been kept apart from the rest of the world. When I first moved to Texas and dropped out of high school to be home schooled, I was in complete isolation. No friends, no one to talk to other than my family. It was lonely on a scale that you could never hope to understand.
And yet, so much of who I am today was formed in that time. My interests, the stories I'm still telling to this day. My sense of independence. I was better for that time alone. Much better.
The truth can't be said for this time. I'm losing my mind. Slowly going crazy as I waste away in the house. Spending more time thinking about what I want from life than going for it. I'm not as isolated as I was back then. I have friends that I talk to daily. Even see from time to time. So why is this time so much worse? If I had an answer to that, maybe I wouldn't be so lost right now.
I guess the only thing I can do, any of us can do, is take it day by day. Try to make today better than yesterday. Make tomorrow better than today. It's not much, but it's all we have. So make the most of it, that's what I'm going to attempt to do.
Will I succeed? Who knows, only tomorrow can tell.
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.