So I have grand plans, the grandest plans this world has ever known! I'mma watch four movies in the theaters over the weekend. Starting today. Now, I know, I know your jealous, but it's okay. You'll find your happiness somewhere, I honestly believe that.
Okay, Okay, I know I'm being a bit much, but it has honestly been a long long time since I've been truly happy. I would wake up and just walk around for a while, trying to convince myself that things were going to get better, but I didn't really believe it, not till I made these plans and found that I was actually excited. I was actually looking forward to it.
After that, it was like a flood gate opened and everything was more enjoyable. I feel alive for the first time in over a year and a half. Life is good!
Life can be good. It's been a long time since I could see that. A long time since I woke up feeling good about life and where I'm at in my life. Today was such a day. Cutting out of the people in my life who went out of their way to tear me down every chance they got made a world of difference. Recommitting myself to my art has lightened my mood and put me on the path to being me again.
Sometimes it's hard to cut out people who hurt you, for many reasons. Sometimes it's because they have been in your life for years, other times it's because you know they are going through a hard time and you feel a need to protect them, even if it costs you your own well being, but sometimes you have to be selfish and do what's best for yourself. You can't always put everyone else first because after a while you start to lose yourself.
It wasn't an easy lesson for me to learn, but it is one that I now take to heart. Life is too short for negativity, you have to surround yourself with positivity, with people who want everyone to succeed and don't see others doing well as threat to themselves. Believe me, it makes a world of difference.
What's that? Did I just make and put out a new Jon's Corner for the first time in like forever? Yes, yes I did that! What's that? You can't believe it? Me neither!!!
I'm sorry, I'm just excited to get back to being myself. To creating art, even if it's just me talking about someone else art. It's all about creating things, expressing myself. Something that I haven't done for so long. It's almost as if I'm starting to come alive again. Starting to feel normal again. The weight that hangs over my head at all times, is lightening. Is starting to vanish from my world and the Jonathan of old is starting to come back out from the darkness.
Does this mean I'm cured? Of course not. Life is never that simple, but it's a start. If I can find myself today, and again tomorrow, and the day after that, maybe, just maybe, I can leave the doom and gloom behind. Maybe I can be the Jonathan of old once more. Here's hoping!
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to fight it, you just wake up feeling defeated. Feeling as if there is no point to doing anything and all you want to do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. God knows for the past year and a half that's all I've really done. I've put on a brave face and did my best to act like nothing was wrong, but it has been hard and I've failed more than I've succeeded.
It's taken me a long time to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. That sometimes you just lose. That sometimes life just becomes too much. But at the same time, you can't let it consume you. You can't give in to the thoughts raging in your head and in your soul.
Today was one such day for me. I woke up defeated. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, but that wouldn't serve me. It would undo everything I'm trying to accomplish and future Jonathan would be left holding the bag. So, as hard as it was, I got up today and started to get things done. Maybe I won't be as productive today as I normally would have, but something is better than nothing and I need to stop counting the whole day as a failure if I miss one little checkmark. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until I have what I want. Peace of mind.
Over the lockdown, I let everything fall to the sideline including Blueroof Productions. I used to have respectable numbers on here, now on a good day I have 5 people pop on here. But it's okay, it's my own fault. I just have to come back from the brink. Rebuild everything and start over. I can do it. I believe in myself. It's time to get to work!
It seems like more and more people are drifting apart. Being pulled into different spheres of belief. How do we come back to a sense of reality when people can't even agree on what they see in front of their faces?
To make matters worse, all we hear is people talking shit about anyone who thinks differently than them. Dehumanizing people with different views, because we have lost the ability to have discussions. You either agree with me or you are an idiot who deserves nothing but contempt.
We are truly, deeply broken as a society. We need to get back to being able to talk to one another, to listen. We need to learn that our ideas are not always correct, and that sometimes it's okay to change our minds. To get new information and have that information alter the way we see the world. That isn't weakness, that is strength. It's literally the point of science. To take in new information and learn from it, to grow. Once we stop accepting the fact that we don't know everything, that we are still learning, no matter how old or successful we have become, we've stopped living.
I have hope that this is just a moment in time, just a crazy, fucked up moment in time, and we will find our way back to a civil discourse that isn't blogged down in propaganda and hate. That we can accept that no one has all the answers, that we have to come together in order to fix our society and help one another. We have people living in the streets, starving, suffering from illnesses that can be cured and we do nothing. We sit back and shake our heads and talk about how sad it is, all the while letting it go on. Never once holding the people in power accountable for the devastation going on all around us. It's shameful. And we are all to blame, but we can do better. We can listen, we can reach out and help those who are in need. We can put more focus on helping people and less on judging people. More focus on others and less on ourselves. We need to be more caring, more accepting. We need to be better.
Since I've started my journey as a filmmaker, the one thing I would always stress, is that I wasn't a photographer. It's not what I was good at, and honestly I just had no interest in it. But then something happened. I was hired to film something and they wanted me to take pictures at the same time. I was nervous as hell, because again, I'm not a photographer. That's not my wheelhouse, I know nothing about. Except, it turns out I did. Years of framing shots, helped me frame pictures. Who knew?
Now it's one of my favorite pastimes. It's so much fun to set up a shot and take it, capturing the moment forever in time. Toy photography is even better, you get to recreate or create, a scene using some of your favorite characters. It's a chance to play director in a way you would never get the chance in real life without millions of dollars at your disposal.
It helps relax me, helps me find a way to creativity that doesn't stress me out. It's just something fun that I can do for myself. I don't know if it'll do the same thing for you, but it was something that I never tried before. If you are feeling trapped, at a dead end, try something new. Look for a new way to express yourself, you never know what you will find!
Why is it, that no matter how down and out I feel, the smell of new comics always brings me back. Visiting the X-Men, swinging with Spider-Man, exploring with the Fantastic Four, it all just gives me a breath of life that sadly, the real world seems to lack more and more.
The truth is, when I was a kid, I would always go running around and causing trouble with my friends. It was a world of fun! But now as an adult, I don't that stuff anymore. Maybe that's part of the emptiness inside of me. A part of me that brought me so much joy, is now gone. That's the curse of growing up. One that we all must deal with, I think the trick is to just find a way to keep some part of our childhood intact.
So how do we go about that? Hell if I know, but we have to try. We have to keep looking for new ways to find our youth. Find out joy. Because the truth is, happiness doesn't come from without, it comes from within. We just need to look inside ourselves, and find some sense of joy, of excitement and hold on to, no matter what the rest of the world tells us, and believe me, the rest of the world will try and take away any joy you may find. You just can't let them!
It's been a while! Life has been crazy this past year and change. Lost some friends, not death, but finally letting go of relationships that do more harm than good. Got involved in more paid work, doing shows and documentaries and jobs that I never really thought I would be involved in. It was fun, but really wasn't where my heart was. I found that I really missed making skits with my friends. Coming up with ideas, shooting them, playing with them in editing. It's a simple joy that I missed.
So, I'm going to start moving back in that direction. Me and Ashley actually just finished filming and editing a skit about the whole crazy pokemon card stuff going on, and it was a lot of. Just to be acting again, and also, honestly, not to have to answer to anyone.
If I'm being honest, it was a lot harder than it used to be. Mostly because I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression lately. It's not easy to get motivated, even for things I love, like writing, filming, reading, hanging out with friends. But I'm working on it. Little steps, just taking life one day at a time as I try to find my way back to myself. It's a journey, one I hope you join me on!
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.