As I walk down the halls of North Lake and remember all the times I've had here, both good and bad, I can't help but get hit with the realization that I've been here far too long. Now to be fair, I have left and came back and did other things. I haven't been here non-stop but still it has been far too long. I feel washed up. As if I am wasting my potential. Wasting my very life in the pursuit of nothing.
Where am I going? Why am I going there? What am I doing to get there? All questions that I do not as of yet, have the answers to. I'm lost out in sea with land no where in sight. On Facebook this morning I read a post that my second cousin only 18 is about to get both his 3rd and 4th degrees. I couldn't be more proud of him but at the same time it just makes me look at my own life and wonder where I went wrong? How did I mess it up so badly? Is there any hope for me left? Can I still have a happy fulfilled life or did I miss my chance?
I guess only tomorrow can tell us. Only tomorrow can see what our hard work today leads too, and maybe, just maybe that is for the best. Who knows? All I know, really, is that I can't give up. No matter how long it takes me or how far behind the rest of the world I get, I know who I am and what I want to do and that is all I can do. Nothing else matters. Not really.
I feel as if the older I get the more stressed out I am. Trying as hard as I can to keep my head above water. To keep my eyes on my dreams and keep moving towards them but I feel as if I am getting farther and farther away from them. It is as if I can't ever get any closer to my goals and I'm losing my will to keep trying.
One step forward is met with two steps back. That is just the truth of where I am right now. I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk, get out of this headspace and move myself to where I need to be. Find a way to not lose my soul while trying to stay afloat.
Life is short and I am missing my chance to make the most of it. Just endlessly drifting through life one failed idea after another. I need to self correct if I am to have any hope of being everything I know I can be.
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.