I can't seem to understand the emptiness that I feel inside. I keep feeling that if only I could understand the cause, than I could cure it, yet anytime I start to close in on the source, I realize that it's nothing more than a symptom. The hollowness inside me is so much deep and all consuming than I could ever hope to understand, yet I press onward. To do otherwise would court defeat. I do not like to lose. Giving up does nothing for me, in fact, it only makes this feeling worse and that is the last thing I need.
So what do I need? If I knew that, I would no longer feel this way. I would once again be myself. I long to once again be myself. The only hope I have, is that as covid starts to fade and I start to reenter the world, some of the old me may return as well. I've started going back to different sets, working on different projects. None of them narratives, which is what I love more than life itself, but it's still good to be back behind the camera. Back in the world of creating. I need to return to creating content for Blueroof Productions. I am wasting this gift that is life, waiting for a feeling of normalcy that may never come.
I can no longer afford to wait. I can no longer sit on my hands and let this feeling of defeat control me. I have to force myself into action, force myself to once again feel human. To once again bring my art to life and enjoy the world. Otherwise, what is the point of being alive?
I will find the old Jonathan, and bring him back to this world. I will find the old me and once more enjoy the day to day journey that I am on. I will no longer sit and feel sorry for myself. I will no longer let the pit in my soul control me. I will conquer this sense of doom and provide the hope that I am missing.
I'm going to take it one day at a time, one task at a time. I will be better. I will force my dreams into reality and live the life I have always dreamed of. Reality be damned.
Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.