Defeated

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to fight it, you just wake up feeling defeated. Feeling as if there is no point to doing anything and all you want to do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. God knows for the past year and a half that's all I've really done. I've put on a brave face and did my best to act like nothing was wrong, but it has been hard and I've failed more than I've succeeded. 

It's taken me a long time to accept that there's nothing wrong with that. That sometimes you just lose. That sometimes life just becomes too much. But at the same time, you can't let it consume you. You can't give in to the thoughts raging in your head and in your soul. 

Today was one such day for me. I woke up defeated. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, but that wouldn't serve me. It would undo everything I'm trying to accomplish and future Jonathan would be left holding the bag. So, as hard as it was, I got up today and started to get things done. Maybe I won't be as productive today as I normally would have, but something is better than nothing and I need to stop counting the whole day as a failure if I miss one little checkmark. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until I have what I want. Peace of mind.