So I missed recording Clean Jeans today because I was too busy editing my short for class. Like I said yesterday it sucks when I don't get to record one that week. It's like therapy for me. A place to blow off of some stream. One that I could really use after the conversation I had today.
Besides that things are going well for me. My stress levels are down at long last. A few more weeks of things going the way they are right now and I will be back to normal. I need to learn to not let other people have so much control over my emotions in the future. I spent 5 hours reliving a conversation that stressed me out, who does that help? No one. Stress is a horrible thing and sometimes people tear into you, not because they are mad at you or want to hurt you but because they are upset at something in their own life and use you to work through their problems. I know it isn't right but at the same time I feel like I should be strong enough to be that person for them. It might not be healthy but I feel like they need me and as their friend I should be there for them.
It does kind of make me feel like no one is there for me in that same way. And that does get to me. Makes me feel alone in this world more and more every day. But maybe that isn't bad. Maybe I need to learn to let go of other and just do everything for myself. Maybe that will help me get where I want to go in life faster. Who knows. All I know is that I've been in a really good place the last few days and I want to stay there. I don't want to get dragged down to feeling like shit. I want to feel like I matter, like I have worth. Because I think at the end of the day I do.
I started this blog to talk about how I managed to save the short film after it fell apart. It turns out a lot of the scenes didn't go together and that my artistic film didn't look nearly as good as I had hoped but I managed to cut out some of the fat and make a whole new short that still fits the story but flows oh so much better. It isn't perfect but it is something that I can stand behind. Yesterday should have been a victory. Hopefully today will be.
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Jonathan Gutheinz vents about everything under the sun.